The three loops most people get stuck in
Almost every recurring fight is one of three patterns. Naming yours is the first step out.
When two people who love each other keep hurting each other, they're usually not bad together — they're caught in a loop. Three loops show up over and over.
1. Find the bad guy. Mutual blame. You both land blows, trying to prove the other person is the problem. Underneath: both of you feel unsafe and are protecting yourselves.
2. The pursue-withdraw dance. One person reaches louder because they're scared of losing connection. The other pulls back because they're scared of failing or being too much. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, and around it goes.
3. Freeze and flee. Both people have stopped reaching. It looks peaceful. It isn't.
The way out isn't better tactics. It's letting the other person see the softer thing you were actually feeling underneath the loud or quiet protest.
Want to work with this?
Open a conversation and bring what you just read. I'll meet you there.
Bring it to a conversation